𝜗𝜚⋆₊˚RANIA'S POV :

MY LIFE it's that reality of mine, in which his presence is lacking. And I don't want to be somewhere where he doesn't exist.

somewhere where I can't find him.

It's cruel what fate did to me.

It took away the man I loved dearly, my fiancé.

we were about to get married and live the dream life we always wanted, in the penthouse he bought, just the two of us.

me and him, only.

But I guess not every story has a happy ending because ours ended with him. He was taken away in the skies, leaving me behind.

the harsh reality is that we don't know what comes next and just the same thing happened to me and him, me and Armaan.

Sometimes you plan your whole future with someone, not knowing if that future will actually exist.

We both waited happily for the future, but in the dairy of our fates, there wasn't a future for us.

Armaan died in an accident while boating and swimming with my brother Rayyan.

Rayyan had forced him to company him as they were best friends since childhood and Armaan would always do everything my brother says.

I can't forgive my brother because he dragged Maan with him to that dangerous ocean.

He's a swimming champion, but that doesn't mean everyone is. In that cruel boating accident, in broad daylight, one returned home, but the other didn't.

Maan left us, and I can't forgive Rayyan for it. I don't know why, but I think if he hadn't taken Maan with him, Maan would be here, alive.

I despise my brother for this and i can never forgive him, even though I know he was just a pawn in destiny's game.

They say it's just a phase, it will end. Okay, but will I get him back when this phase ends? No.

I wonder why I'm still here when he's not.

He was the air I breathed, and now I'm suffocating since two years now, and I've wanted to die. I don't want to live without him.

I wonder if I can ever get over the heartbreak that aches my heart every time I look at his picture.

Yes, our story had a sad ending.

He's gone, and I'm here alone with his memories, lonely and shattered, wondering what's next? Losing him was my rock bottom, and now that I've hit it, I wonder if I can ever love someone the way I loved him.

The word "love" meant him, and without him, this word doesn't hold any meaning in my life. I think I'll never love someone the way I loved him and no one can love me like he loved me.

The idea of me liking someone else after him scares me, because it was always him and will be him. And I hate it when some other guy who's not Armaan likes me.

For example, you know WHO.

It's forbidden to like me.

No one can do it, not Hamdan, not anyone else. Because I buried my heart with him, and he left his heart for me.

I hate that Hamdan likes me, and he even confessed it to me. I hate that he is someone else and not Armaan.

I am ruined for all myself and I can't ruin someone else by falling in love again. I'm tired of all this. I'm destroyed and I don't want to destroy anyone else, not even hamdan.

I know I can never fall in love again, and someone who tends to like me is just a waste of time because they'll be hurt. I can never like someone back, I've lost the capacity to.

I'm destroyed and I can't destroy others.

i can never like Hamdan back, never.

I hate that he saw my vulnerability, he saw me self harming myself, the thing I always do to escape this mental pain.

I gazed at my wrist, which I cut a week before when I met Hamdan and when he confessed that he likes me. I acted in a way I shouldn't have, but that's all I could do. I wanted him to stay away from me because he would get hurt.

I don't have any magic tool to fix my heart. But the only thing I can do is distance myself.

I'm going to distance myself from Hamdan because I care. I care that I can hurt him if he likes me, and I don't want to.

All I'm gonna do is save myself from the pain.

Save others from the pain.

"Shadi karlo, rania," I was taken out of my trance when my mom spoke. I looked at the food on my plate as we were having dinner. I sliced the steak with the knife, turning my head up to meet my mom.

[ get married, rania ]

"Karne toh wali thi, par wo mar gaya," I spoke as I gazed at my mom and then at my dad while eating dinner. They both looked taken aback from my answer and retorted.

[ i was going to, but he died ]

"Stop making your world revolve around Armaan, you need to move on! In sab me kuch nahi rakha hai," my mom hissed angrily, as she's tired of making me understand.

[ there's nothing left in all of this ]

"He's gone, Rania, and you can't dedicate your life to a dead person. Remember you can always move on from the past, it's just that you don't want to," my dad replied calmly.

They're right to an extent, but they won't really understand how I feel from within. Because they're not in my shoes, they'll never know.

Only the person who's surviving the pain knows how it feels! No matter how many people say they can feel your pain, they don't unless they get to survive the same.

"You've turned 26 and you're not planning to date any guy soon, let alone marry anyone, so me and your dad have planned to find a guy for you, ourselves, and get you married, my daughter," my mom informed sweetly yet firmly, making my eyes pop out.

"Get married and move on from it," Dad spoke.

"I'm not getting married. I would prefer dwelling in my pain and hurt alone rather than hurting someone else by keeping them in a loveless marriage, because I know myself and I know that I will not be able to fall in love again," I spoke while wiping my lips with the napkins.

" rania-" I cut them off.

"I'm going back to my apartment because I have to prepare for tomorrow morning. Bye Mom, bye Dad," I got up from there and with a pale look on my face, I walked out of my parents's penthouse.

I live in my own apartment and meet my parents for dinner every weekend, only to hear their "move on" speeches, which never helps. I grabbed my car keys and drove off to my apartment, tired and sick like always.

I unlocked the door, kicked off my sandals, and rushed to the kitchen. It held the things that helped me cope.

A knife.

I grabbed a knife, aiming for my wrist. As I was about to cut, Hamdan's demonic face flashed in my mind. His worried expression and his yelling echoed in my ears.

A sudden wave of fear washed over me, suffocating me. I threw the knife away, gasping for breath. Wait! This was the first time I'd held a knife to self-harm, but I felt scared. Scared of what? I don't know.

If I can't do this, I'll do the other thing.

I smiled to myself.

It's kind of creepy how I never smile around others. It's been two years, but people don't know that I smile and laugh a lot when I'm alone. It's one of my coping mechanisms.

I have a different personality for the outside world and a completely different one for myself.

My real personality is the one I show everyone: cold, reserved, and sad.

When I'm alone, I have another personality disorder. It's not really me, but a coping mechanism. It's a hidden, jolly, bubbly, and happy version of me, so baby-like and crazy.

The only similarity between both of my personalities is that they're both... well, let's just say they're not always the easiest to understand.

I fucking need spicy food now

okay but I ate dinner just now but the conversation in the dinner table! I need to get it out of my head and I'm unable to self harm so let's do the mechanism number 2.

I grabbed the 2x spicy ramen from the kitchen shelf and boiled some water for myself.

I put the ramen and ingredients in the boiling water, lowered the stove, and grabbed some spicy green chilies to add extra spice.

I chopped the green chilies and added them to my already spicy ramen. Then, I added two extra tablespoons of chili powder to level up the spice. I was sure I was going to die after eating such spicy food.

I had made a little too extra spicy ramen and sat on my kitchen slab, blowing on the hot noodles. They were extremely red in color and looked so spicy, as if they would burn my lungs. I took a bite, and my mind was blown.

It was so freaking spicy! I coughed really bad. But I didn't drink water because I hate drinking water or anything while eating food.

I took a few more bites and gasped because the spice level was hitting so perfectly that it legit made my nose runny.

I took one more bite, only for my eyes to start watering. I completed eating the bowl of noodles, only to look disheveled, my eyes reddened and teary, while my nose ran.

I hopped down from the kitchen slab, hissing due to the burning sensation near my lips from the spiciness.

"Oh my goodness, it feels so good!" I spoke to myself as my eyes were tearing extremely because I didn't drink any water to calm down.

"These tears are so much better than the other," I smiled through my tears flowing on my face.

It hurts more that you get to do the weirdest and worst things just to cope with the pain you never deserved in the first place.

After shedding so many tears, I chugged three glasses of water until I felt bloated. That's when I felt better from the spiciness.

I then walked towards my room and plopped onto the bed, closing my eyes. My phone buzzed beside me, and I grabbed it to check the principal's message. I groaned as I read it.

Edward Anderson:

This is to inform you that there are new faculty members joining the university. You will be assigned to guide and instruct one of them. I have assigned the piano teacher to your care.

you blocked this contact

This bastard just annoys the hell out of me! I mean, I love teaching piano at the university. I don't really teach for money because I'm a billionaire's daughter and a billionaire's sister.

I teach because it's my escape. It makes me happy. But then there's this principal who legit puts all the workload on me and annoys the hell out of me, this is just 20 % percent. I'll have to deal with more of him tomorrow!

Bastard for real.

I can't deal with my own personalities.

I know that tomorrow I'll be regretting blocking this principal. Why did I even do it in the first place? It doesn't make sense!

Oh I'm so done with myself.

oh my god it hurts, my stomach.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

I hopped down from the bed and clutched my stomach as it started paining due to the food.

i walked towards the door and leaned on it while clutching my stomach and hissing in pain.

It hurts.

I smiled.

but this hurt, I like it.

It's so much better than the pain my chest feels, whenever I think about how my life flipped and how my world crumbled.

sometimes psychical pain feels good when you've been burned with a lot of mental pain.

clutching my stomach I walked towards the kitchen to make some buttermilk for myself.

It's just how it is, my everyday life.

Doing shitty things to cope with the pain only to get more pain in return.

                                                       ─ ⊹ ⊱ ☆ ⊰ ⊹ ─

I walked towards the principal's office since that fat ass had called to give me some work. I was wearing a black pencil skirt and a white dress shirt, topped off with my glasses and a sleek bun.

I held some books as I walked towards the principal's office. As I walked towards the door I could see someone else's silhouette through the glass.

I walked inside the office, my focus completely on the principal. "As I informed Miss Syed, you're in charge of showing Mr. Waseem the whole campus," the principal said.

My brows furrowed at the mention of the name Waseem, so without allowing the principal to speak further, I snapped my head towards the other living creature in the office.

And..... and.

My gaze fell on someone I never wanted to see again. My eyes met Hamdan's green ones, those eyes that made my heart sink to the pit of my stomach. It was the same look in his eyes that I saw when I rejected him.

The look screamed something, it was fierce and held malice. My blood ran cold as I saw his lips twitching into a smirk as his gaze traveled my pale face.

"Mr. Waseem, this is Miss Syed. She'll assist you with anything you need to know,"Anderson informed him. I felt like stomping his balls for putting me in this situation.

"Yeah, I will definitely," he replied in his deep, raspy voice, sending chills down my spine. It wasn't Hamdan's soft, sunny voice, but someone else entirely.

I nodded curtly at the obnoxious principal and walked out with Hamdan beside me.

As we walked towards the campus area, I sighed as I mustered up all the courage to speak, in his intimidating presence.

"Why are you here?" I tried to keep my voice steady, but my stomach churned with nervousness and anxiety.

"To claim you as mine," he said, his voice firm and unwavering, making it hard for me to breathe.

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